Experiential avoidance

We use the term experiential avoidance rather than simply avoidance to remind ourselves of how we avoid both ourselves and the world around us. Situational avoidance is usually easy to identify. That said, many anxiety sufferers don’t avoid situations. Still, anxiety is always maintained by avoidance. We all avoid thoughts, feelings, sensations, memories, and urges with varying degrees of intensity and rigidity. The main belief that maintains experiential avoidance is that your internal experience — that is, your thoughts, feelings, sensations, memories, and urges — are a threat. Fear, shame, and self-criticism of your internal experience are interpretations that create experiential avoidance. Let’s talk more about your internal experiences and how to relate to them without avoidance.

Emotions are evolutionarily adaptive states that motivate behavior. Every emotion has or has had some utility in the evolutionary past.

After the initial surge of emotion, you can choose whether you want to keep the thoughts associated with that feeling going. Your thoughts will retrigger the sensations to keep that emotion going.

You only have the opportunity to choose whether you want to keep the emotion going if you are able to identify what’s happening. Many people do not have awareness of what’s happening to them when they are experiencing an emotion. The emotion feels like reality and the act to urge feels like the only option. It’s worth it to observe your emotional states and your urges to act in the presence of emotions so that you have the chance at more flexible behaviors.

The opposite of experiential avoidance is staying with emotions. Don’t just do something, sit there! When you choose to bring attention to and stay with emotion, you know you on the right track if you can feel the emotion pass within a minute or two.

Observing with an attitude of compassion and curiosity

Thus, when you go about observing your emotional states, your attitude and intention matter. Some part of you may feel very motivated and excited by the idea of observing your thoughts and feelings. If you have suffered a lot and felt stuck in your internal experience, making a plan can fill you with hope and efficacy. There might be another part of you who doesn’t want to observe what’s happening and would prefer to hide from yourself and others. Expect that. It is a normal part of the process.

Notice that you will retrigger yourself if you add fear, shame, or self-criticism to your observation process. The moment you are triggered is an opportunity.

You have the chance to use it for greater self-understanding and eventually, calmness, compassion, and connection.

This moment is also an opportunity for you to feel more fear, more shame, helplessness, hopelessness, and worthlessness.

The attitude with which you approach the task predicts whether you grow from this moment or experience more suffering.

Therefore, when you feel fear, shame, self-criticism or any other reaction that makes it hard to stay with the emotions as emotions, use your higher intelligence and redirect yourself back to the attitude and intention you chose. After all, your fear, shame, and self-criticism are also secondary processes. If you can redirect yourself back to the initial experience during those states, you are practicing well.