Self-compassion is understanding and staying with my experience

Consider thinking about self-compassion as an attitude where you are willing to stay with your experience and relate to it with openness and curiosity, rather than criticism.

Here some self-talk that will likely be helpful:

Replace: I shouldn’t feel this. Other people don’t feel this. Nothing bad happened that is so bad, so I shouldn’t feel so bad.

Say: Of course this is happening. Of course I suffer. I’m human and all humans suffer. Also, I knew this particular suffering was coming because I understand my anxiety, OCD, and mood. In the presence of a perceived threat, my mind has catastrophic thoughts that arrive with a spike of uncertainty. If I am not prepared for this, I will naturally brace against this feeling and perceived threat, and naturally, it will feel worse. Of course, this is happening to my mind because of my biological vulnerabilities. Of course, I naturally brace because this is uncomfortable. It takes a lot of self-awareness, understanding, and a good strategy to get through a moment like this without making it worse. I just got tricked in this moment, but I can learn from it. Here’s an opportunity for me to practice that strategy.

Replace: I’m such an idiot. Why did I do that? I always make that type of mistake. I’m never going to learn. This will have devastating consequences for me. I deserve to feel this because of what I did. I’m going to feel this forever.

Say: There is no failure. There is only data. I tried or am going to try that thing I care about. It will either go well or its exposure to thoughts and feelings that I am working to accept. Either way I learn and grow and that means I win. Even though this moment that seems like a mistake may have real consequences for me, I can still learn, grow, and change. I don’t have certainty that the way I respond now and then whatever comes next won’t be better than what I had before and that means I now have opportunity.

Replace: Why do I always feel this? There’s something deeply wrong with me that makes me different from others and no one else will ever understand.

Say: This is a good opportunity to observe and describe what’s happening within me. Because I’m a human and inherently part of the rest of the community of humans, nothing happens within me that never has or will happen to another human. It’s not that no one else will ever understand me, but rather that I currently don’t understand me. This is a hard moment, but if I turn towards myself right now, I have a chance at understanding myself and my suffering better. I might forget what I’m experiencing now when I’m not suffering, so now is the best time to observe and describe what’s happening.