The ordinary nature of well-being

Modern evidenced-based psychological theory understands psychological suffering to be the result of avoidance of your experience of yourself, including internal thoughts, sensations, feelings and urges, as you respond to external circumstances. Put simply:

Psychological suffering = physical or psychological pain + psychological resistance

Whether the pain occurs due to a tragic, discriminatory, or chronically stressful life circumstance or a thought or feeling that is unpleasant, the pain becomes suffering if you resist against it, avoiding it or/and trying to get rid of the internal experience itself.

From this perspective, wellbeing is a way of life characterized by an absence of resistance to unpleasant or painful thoughts, feelings, and sensations. Wellbeing cannot be forced. When there is no struggle against what is uncomfortable, there is more room for movement of thoughts, feelings, and sensations. More movement of mind creates more opportunity for pleasant states, including happiness, joy, and a sense of calm.

Because the mind is in the habit of protecting itself from pain, oftentimes you aren’t even aware of the thought, feelings, sensation, or urge that you fear and avoid. Through questions and observation, I help individuals identify what they fear and make a plan to open up to it, rather than adding more avoidance and resistance.

Mental suffering starts as avoidance. We're still in a spot in culture where the nature of emotions is not well understood and most of us immediately resist uncomfortable internal experiences (that is, thoughts, feelings, and sensations), rather than practicing accepting them. When you have a lot of private experiences that you think you shouldn't be having and you try to avoid them or push them away, they will get worse and worse.

The degree to which we respond effectively or ineffectively to our private experiences is a spectrum, not a binary category. Because these moments are private and many of the ways that people cope are also private, it's almost impossible to get a good read on how others are coping compared to yourself. It's especially hard to tell what other people are doing well when they do it well.

Psychotherapy does not rescue or protect you from pain, but it can help you respond and relate to the inevitable pain that humans experience with courage and compassion. As we get in the habit of facing painful thoughts, feelings, sensations, and urges, suffering decreases and our sense of wellbeing increases.