Understanding anger

Anger is a feeling of annoyance or hostility towards someone or something that you believe has done you wrong in some way. People feel anger when there has been injustice. It is data that tells us that we or someone we love has been or could be harmed.

In your body, you’ll know you feel angry because your muscles are tightened, your eyes feel hot and you might feel like you are going to cry. Some people feel their stomach drop. Other people feel tightness or pain in their chest as their heart starts to race. Most people feel hot and can feel their face flush.

You can also tell that you are feeling anger by your thoughts. In your thoughts, you’ll start to build a case. Building a case is like being an attorney before the court, thinking through all the things you’ve done right and the other person has done wrong. Your thoughts might become ruminative and focused on the past. They might be mixed with worry about what will happen in the future. You may find yourself playing the situation over and over again in your discussions with others or in your mind. You’re looking for evidence for your case, that you are right.

You might also find that your anger mixes with other feelings like anxiety or despair. In that case, you might think, This is so unfair. Why does this happen to me and not other people? What will this mean for my future? Will things always be like this? The anger is all the thoughts associated with why the situation is unfair. The questioning about why this has happened is a question of despair and the fears about the future are anxiety.

You can tell that you’re feeling angry by your behavioral urges. Your muscles tighten and you may have the urge to physically fight. If not physically fight, you may have the urge to yell at someone, pick a verbal fight, or gossip about the situation. If you can’t direct your anger at anything outside of yourself, you might have the urge to hurt yourself in some way, for instance through self-harm or emotion-driven eating or drinking.

All of these behaviors are emotion-driven behaviors in the sense that they are behaviors that occur in the context of a strong, uncomfortable emotion with the intention of reducing the feeling.

Unfortunately, most emotion-driven behaviors escalate the feeling of anger.

When you’re thinking about your relationship with anger, consider four different types. First you might be chronically triggered by similar situations to which other people might respond to different. Second, you may become irritable in the context of a mood disorder, where some situations make you feel more irritable because of your mood changes, but you otherwise don’t usually feel irritable about it. Third you might be chronically triggered by a societal injustice that specifically impacts you and that others recognize as wrong. Finally, you might rarely feel anger at all.

All of these types of anger are great to discuss in psychotherapy. For the first two types of anger, psychotherapy will focus on understanding your triggers and responding with alternative action. Psychotherapy for the third type of anger will focus on problem-solving and being assertive to the extent that you can be based on your situation. If you rarely feel anger, but feel a lot of anxiety, psychotherapy can also help you explore if there are parts of you that feel angry and experience it as anxiety.

Anger is data and can be a healthy reaction to injustice. Understanding your anger triggers and learning to respond in alignment with your values can help you feel in control when you feel angry.