Observing loneliness

One of my favorite groups was one that focused on loneliness. I asked the group to describe their greatest sources of loneliness and how they cope with it. Given that it was during the pandemic, I had assumed that most members were going to describe similar processes. In reality, there was a diversity of answers. Most members agreed that isolation during the pandemic made loneliness more frequent than it had been before. The similarities stopped there. Some members indicated that the experience of mental illness made them feel othered and lonely, especially when they experienced their symptoms. Others explained that experiences of stigmatization or discrimination created their loneliness. Many shared that surviving trauma made them feel really lonely and their trauma triggers continue to create loneliness to this day. Despite the variation in experience, everyone seemed to feel closer to everyone else, and less lonely, after sharing.

Loneliness is the feeling you experience when you believe that you are disconnected from others.

Talking about loneliness and learning that the antecedents of loneliness are very different, but knowing that the experience is the same is very helpful. The variation of antecedents matters because it shows that loneliness is an interpretation, rather than a truth. If that makes you lonely, but not me, then this that makes me lonely might not make the feeling of loneliness meaningful. The feeling of loneliness might not mean that I’m actually disconnected.

Toddlers seek to explore their worlds, but also in the presence of their mother or other important caregiver. The toddler will crawl away and discover a new toy, but also look back and see if their mother is still paying attention. An attuned parent can mirror the delight of the new toy, helping the child feel pleasure and accept that pleasure as theirs. This is the beginning of the process of individuation. Ideally, as a toddler, you were able to focus your attention on play, while feeling securely attached to the adults that loved you. You had solitude, but not loneliness. Children who don’t feel securely attached, as a result of a mis-attuned parent, will become either preoccupied with what the parent thinks of them or isolated and dejected. This happens in very subtle ways in early childhood and then continues on into childhood and adolescence. In addition to biological vulnerabilities, after decades of moments of attunement or mis-attunement, you can either come to be anxious in the presence of others or depressed in the presence of others or both.

Loneliness is the painful feeling of being alone and usually othered in some way. We all have a need and a longing to belong, to feel securely attached to the people we love. In early childhood, it was a matter of life or death to be taken care of and attached to the caregivers around us.

The social vulnerability to the experience of loneliness starts in early childhood, as you see yourself as either being good enough for those around you or you start to experience yourself as not good enough. During adolescence, teenagers navigate their way through intimacy or isolation and it is at this time, that you are either able to connect with friends and romantic partners in a vulnerable and intimate way or you experience isolation, either physically, emotionally, or both. We have needs for intimacy throughout our adult lives and the seeds of loneliness are planted while we navigate this developmental stage in adolescence.