When emotions escalate

You may wonder whether your emotions are disproportionate to your circumstance. Let’s rephrase the question.

You’re asking about coping. Why I am feeling this way? and Is this the right way to feel? is an attempt to understand, analyze, and fix the unpleasant state you are in. It seems that if you could just have the right feelings at the right time, then you wouldn’t suffer so much. I get it. I don’t want you to suffer either. The problem with Why am I feeling this way? and Is this the right way to feel? is that they are judgmental questions. When you judge an internal experience, your mind experiences it as an issue and then gives you other thoughts and feelings to cope with it. You are vulnerable to getting all tangled up in thoughts and feelings. Questions like What is happening that is causing my feelings to escalate? and How can I relate to my feelings more effectively? can help you understand and cope better, which is what you ultimately want.

Let’s talk more about how entanglement with thoughts and feelings causes escalation and how to observe what you feel instead.

When feelings escalate

You might be wondering about this because your feelings often escalate and you get feedback from others that your feelings are disproportionate to the circumstance.

If you have sadness and you are sensitive to sadness, you will feel it intensely.

If you have anger and you are sensitive to anger, you will feel it intensely.

If you have uncertainty and you are sensitive to uncertainty, you will feel it intensely.

Same for guilt, shame, loneliness, disgust, fear and all other feelings.

It's okay to have intense feelings. Having an intense feeling doesn’t mean that it will escalate.

If you label it and give space for it, all feelings will peak and pass. We can’t really see or judge the intensity of other people’s feelings when they are just feelings without any observable behavior added to it. For instance, there might be something that brings us both joy. You might smile and I might smile, but we can’t tell who has more joy and whether that joy is disproportionate to the circumstance. The amount of joy we feel has more to do with our sensitivity to and interpretation of that feeling than the trigger of the joy itself.

When your unpleasant feeling escalates from a feeling to a behavior like irritability, crying, yelling, or a stuck mood, you are likely adding an interpretation to that first feeling. Your interpretation is causing the cognitive and behavioral escalation.

Common problematic interpretations of feelings are:

I shouldn’t feel this…

This feeling means I’m weak.

I’ve worked so hard to prevent this feeling that having it again means I’ve done something wrong.

This isn’t the right feeling to have in this situation.

I can’t feel this…

This feeling overwhelms me.

I can’t meet my obligations as long as I feel this.

This feeling will last forever and I can’t tolerate that.

I don’t want to feel this…

I can’t stand the suffering this is creating.

I shouldn’t have to feel this and it is unfair that this is happening.

I don’t know what I feel..

That’s it… I don’t know what’s happening but it seems like a problem.

Shift Why is this happening? to What is happening?

What is happening? is a curious question, rather than a judgmental one. When you observe what is happening, you’ll see that there was a trigger, a thought, a sensation, a feeling, an interpretation of those thoughts and feelings, and then perhaps an urge to act. As you observe, you’re trying to identify your first feeling. If you can get in touch with the first feeling, stay with it without adding judgment, and give it space, it will dissipate. It’s easier said than done. You’ll have to work with and challenge all of the interpretations listed above and some of those are deeply held beliefs for some people.

If your feelings often escalate, show yourself compassion first. Your suffering is real. Try to identify your first feeling. Oftentimes it’s easier to stop resisting a feeling than it is to accept it. Try to identify the interpretation that leads it to escalate and challenge that interpretation.